Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Being Happy

The past 2 months of my life have been pretty intense. My dog died, as did my 5-yr relationship, and today,  my 99 year old Great Grandmother. You can say it's been not a rollercoaster of emotions, but a holy-balls scrambler of sorts...in my head and in my heart. At 29, I'm  still somewhat lost in adulthood, what it's supposed to mean...and where I'm supposed to be. I tell myself that as long as I stay financially ok...I'll be fine...but with these past 2 months now almost behind me...and almost a year of on-again/off again therapy, I can tell you this. Shit gets fucking hard...things can suck so bad that you think giving up at this point would be relaxing, valiant, a quite frankly...a great idea.
          I'm not from Minneapolis, and if you know me, you know that. I'm an extremely proud Westside, Cincinnati girl. Moving to Minneapolis wasn't easy for me, but I had heard amazing things about the scene, and of course when I came to originally check it out it was beautiful outside, aside from the parts of the neighborhood where the tornado had been. I was immediately addicted to the scene. People were chill for the most part, like super-chill and friendly, aside from some of you "Minnesota Nice" folk. I know what that means now. It was love that brought me here, a relationship that I thought was my ending, but fate had other plans. I can honestly tell you that living in a city where you moved with a partner and then having said relationship end and still being in the same city is odd. I haven't seen his face in almost 2 months. Odd indeed.
         I was lucky enough to get some time off work and travel back to the Queen City for awhile, drive the hills and feel her spirit through the tires of my Nissan. See family and friends that have been there since day 1. One of the most special guests though, was my Great-Grandma Thelma, my grandfather's mother, who lived to be 99 years old. To be almost a century old and still able to communicate was a truly miraculous thing to witness. My grandpa had told us that it wouldn't be long, her organs were beginning to shut down, hospice had begun, and yet she was still divulging things about herself that my grandpa didn't even know, things from her childhood even. I had thought so many times about asking her so many questions, a full-on Barbara Walters interview, and yet, as I sat down next to her bedside, I could only think of one question, "Grandma, What do you think the most important thing in life is?" Her response didn't take more than 6 seconds, she replied, "Being happy"...she paused for a moment, looked ahead, and repeated, "Yeah, being happy". It turns out that statement was all I needed. That spark to my soul that began at my ears and quickly engulfed me in it's power. There hasn't been a day that I've been back in Minneapolis where I haven't seen her sparkly-blue, top of the waves, ocean-eyes looking directly at me saying, "Being happy".
          I remember the last time that I ate an eighth of shrooms,(in my early 20's), and thinking "why are we here...what is this all for....what do we want at the end?", and I somehow got the answer..."To die happy".
As my great-grandmother spoke of relationships, how chunky my 6-month old niece is, and how handsome her 1st husband was, I couldn't help but just stare at her. I was a witness to the true end of it, when your body has given up, even though your mind is still hanging on to any shred of life, just wanting to be here, stay here. I don't think I will ever forget those blue eyes as they shared some of their truth with me.
        Life is weird, and beautiful, and hard, and worth-it. Life is challenging, and self-discovery is a mother-fucker. But I know this, I will be happy, that's why we're here.

                                  In honor of my Great Grandma Thelma, Have a happy life.

                                                                                                        All of my love,